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[dexfarkin]

"Dexfarkin"

Freddie Prinze, Jr. plays Dexfarkin, who is brokenhearted after being stood up at his wedding. The mysterious Billy (Ethan Hawke), shows up in his life and tells him about his real past. Over the radio, he hears the voice of Tina (Sarah Michelle Gellar), and he falls in love. Dexfarkin meets the mysterious Roxanne, played by Jennifer Lopez, and uncovers a secret that changes his life forever.

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DEX: Why did she leave me, Lee? I've got... great sideburns, spiky hair, and I can do that really neat thing with my eyebrows. How could Jenna have been so cruel?

LEE: Dude, I'm just the token real life friend. I'm here to say things like 'follow your heart', 'just hold on', and 'I think you killed the bitch!'

DEX: I don't think I can go on.

BILLY: You don't have to. You couldn't have married her anyway.

DEX: Who the hell are you?

LEE: Oh, this is some mysterious guy I met in the parking lot. He's cool.

DEX: Didn't he direct that Lisa Leob video?

LEE: He's just mysterious. And needs a shave.

BILLY: Enough! Dex, you couldn't marry her because she was your sister. You see, you were seperated at birth to protect you from your father. You were sent off to live on that farm with your uncle, and JB was sent to live with the Senator as his daughter.

LEE: I told you Organa wasn't a Spanish name.

BILLY: You couldn't marry her, and you can't fall into the hands of your father.

DEX: My father was an accountant in a spice factory.

BILLY: That's what your uncle wanted you to think. You see, your last name isn't Farkin. It's Bush. Dex Bush.

DEX: No! That's not true! That's impossible!

BILLY: Such your feelings. You know it to be true.

DEX: Noooooo!

LEE: Just hold on.

DEX: Fuck off with that. As for you, Ethan Wan Kenobi, piss off. I'm going to move to Seattle and have a morose yet artistically laudable life while waiting for my true love to spontaniously appear. (stalks off the frame, then walks back on.) And I'm keeping the sideburns!

CUT

EVENING: MED SHOT: TRENDY WANNABE ART BOATHOUSE ON THE BEACH THAT AN UNEMPLOYED WRITER COULD NEVER COME CLOSE TO AFFORDING IN PEDUKA, KY, MUCH LESS UPSCALE SEATTLE.

RADIO (V/O): And in fashionable Sunnydale, CA, we're talking to people on the street about the rise in muggings and random beheadings. Miss, what's your name?

BUFFY (V/O): Uh, it's, uh... Tina.

RADIO (V/O): Tina, how do you react to the recent spate of beheadings.

BUFFY (V/O): Oh, I definitely run. You know, like a normal person, without any kind of super powers or anything. Not that I'm saying that someone does have superpowers, but if they did, they wouldn't run. And I'd run. You know. Uh, bye.

RADIO (V/O: Back to you-- (radio is snapped off)

DEX: My god! That voice! That babble! She... touched something in me. That girl is the girl I'm going to marry.

LEE: Follow your heart.

DEX: Jesus! What the hell are you doing here? You live, like, two thousand miles away?

LEE: Same reason you can just come up with the cash for a plane ticket, I guess. Got any beer?

CUT

DAY: SUNNYDALE, CA: OUTSIDE OF AIRPORT, BESIDE THE TOTALLY NONSENSICAL YET STILL ERECT OLD THEATER.

ROXANNE: M.Farkin. You must follow me if you want to live.

DEX: Uh, sure. Nice dilapidated theater you've got here.

ROXANNE: I know why you and your sideburns are here, M Farkin.

DEX: Great. Um, you didn't have to turn on the red spotlight. I can see fine.

ROXANNE: Tango with me, and everything will make sense.

DEX: I'm noticing that we're both spontaniously good dancers.

ROXANNE: This Tina isn't everything she seems, M Farkin, and neither are you.

DEX: Yeah, I'm Bush's hidden son or something. Look, I'm not running for office, alright. I just want to find Tina.

ROXANNE: Ah, but there are things about yourself that you believe about yourself that have been only yourself telling yourself that you can decide about yourself.

DEX: Wait, I'm confused.

ROXANNE: You seek a Slayer, M Farkin.

DEX: Nope, never liked bad thrash rock as a kid. Can't see that changing.

ROXANNE: It is better described in an intricate and heavily edited dance sequence from my last album. Try not to trip over the choreographer.

J.LO DANCE SEQUENCE BEGINS. BEN AFFLECK WANDERS IN.

BENAFFLECK: The funny thing is that she does this everywhere.

DEX: You're the one marrying her in front of the media.

BENAFFLECK: True. I go out for a night at a strip club, and it's a front page countdown.

DEX: That's harsh. However, at least you were the bomb in Phantoms.

BENAFFLECK: Word! I like the sideburns.

DEX: Thanks. Hey, can I go?

BENAFFLECK: Yeah, she'll be doing this for the next hour.

NIGHT: THE BRONZE: OUTSIDE

DEX: I'm never going to find Tina. It's like no one here has ever heard of her. Except for that red-headed girl who was dyking out with the blonde.

LEE: I think you killed the bitch.

DEX: That doesn't even make sense.

LEE: I'm just reading the script.

DEX: Did you heard something?

LEE: Like a fight between evil bloodsuckers and a mystic embodiment of good and power?

DEX: I was actually thinking 'garbage can' falling over, but I suppose that works too.

Walk into the alleyway, where BUFFY is hammering three vampires to death.

VAMPIRE: This is the last time you will randomly foil our plans, Slayer!

DEX: Slayer?

BUFFY: Yeah, until next Tuesday.

DEX: That's Tina!

LEE: Tina the Vampire Slayer?

DEX: Whatever.

BUFFY finishes off the vampires and walks over.

BUFFY: Freddy?

DEX: Dex. Look, Tina...

BUFFY: It's Buffy.

DEX: Maybe I should call you Daphne. Look, it doesn't matter. I'm in love with you and I want to marry you!

BUFFY: You know, maybe it's the sideburns or that lame film we did together, but I think you are the one too!

LEE: I just might cry.

FADE TO BLACK