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Jan. 3rd, 2012
Primary Season!
Jan. 3rd, 2012 01:18 pmI love primaries in a re-election year. It's when the opposing party with little chance of winning starts heaping up a huge bowl full o' crazy with fringe candidates, interparty ideological warriors, and the navel gazing towards what the true message of the party really is - which usually ends up being 'I'm not him so vote for me'.
I admit, I was unsure that anything could top the Democrats in 2004. Howard Dean was my favourite; a former governor who came off as a slightly unhinged liberal cult leader, with an army of orange clad hippies, public health care warriors, and fired up students pushing his message all over the internet. Too combustible to really have a shoot, but would have been the golden shower of election and debate quotes for the entire race. You had 'did I mention I'm a General' Clark, who's main policy point was that he was a retired general. You had 'Ken Doll' Edwards, who once you crack the silicone shell, learned wasn't missing his genitals like his Barbie counterpart. And you had John Kerry, a man who once fell asleep during one of his own speeches.
Democrats, predictably, chose the most boring option, who proceeded to bungle the election against a highly vulnerable sitting President.
And now, in 2011, the GOP faces a similar situation. Obama, still mired in a desperate economy (with no end in sight thanks to a particular lack of spine amoungst Democrats who have happily swallowed the poison pill of austerity) and vulnerable from a dispirited base could be toppled by the right GOP candidate. Fortunately for him, the right candidates have chosen not to run, and instead the GOP has reached deep into their bag of mixed nuts to toss up an array of glassy eyed, over-caffinated kooks, conspiracy freaks, and adherents to the various dark undercurrents of the party. It's almost like every little subsection that lies on the GOP tent was told to let their freak flag fly, and the ideological hoedown showdown in ethnically homogenous Iowa is about to begin,
The best part, is like the Democrats in 2004, is that in their attacks on each other, they reveal just how deep their own crazy runs. Rick Perry, warrior of shrinking the parts of the government he can't quite remember.
"I will tell you: It’s three agencies of government, when I get there, that are gone: Commerce, Education and the ... what’s the third one there? Let’s see. ... OK. So Commerce, Education and the ... The third agency of government I would — I would do away with the Education, the ... Commerce and — let’s see — I can’t. The third one, I can’t. Sorry. Oops."
I admit, I'm a little sad that Cain is no longer in the field. His 9-9-9 plan was so half baked that I thought it was from an Onion article at first. Romney, the man who never met a political position he couldn't re-align his principles to champion, has been quietly in the overall lead being the Kerry vote - boring, dull, believed to be possibly electable despite the fact that the GOP is about as enthused about him as they are a colonoscopy. Santorum's been ratcheting up his rhetoric, high on the support of his Christian theocracy, by declaring that Obama is an enemy of the US and has no other goal beyond destroying it from within. I've forgotten more about Michelle Bachmann than Michelle Bachmann knows about Michelle Bachmann.
And then there's my favourite: Ron Paul. Ancient and crazy, with the fires of civilization blazing in his mad eyes. The thing about him, which has voters all aquiver, is that he believes. Oh yes, children, he believes. And he doesn't give a damn what voters think or that he should court them. Disown the white-supremacist militia segment of his supporters? Not happening. Walk into a devout, social conservative crowd and say that religion has no place in government and there should be a level of drug legalization. He'll do it. The problem is that people are mistaking conviction for viability.
As has been shown through-out history, libertarianism only really works when you have a large, established community structure in place so you can rail against it. His great dreams of the unfettered American past of liberty and a non-regulated life of freedom only existed because of the support of highly organized, regulated and government maintained markets and trade routes between the nascent colonies and Europe. Much like every 'back to nature' fanatic demands respect because they survived a whole weekend out in the wilds of a national park with only a fully stocked backpack full of food, commercially produced survival equipment and all organic hemp woven clothes from South American with a carbon footprint like a yeti on them, Paul assures America that cuts, cuts, cuts will solve the crisis, and the unfettered market will rise like a phoenix from the ashes and the rights of a shared, free marketplace will be respected by all.
Until China buys California and turns it into an indentured work camp three years in.
But for now, it's all the realm of the possible. Like in 2004, the allure of a JFK-like coif back in the White House, or a mad governor Yee-Hawwing his way to the State of the Union, the great bread dough of GOP crazy is rising in the pan, and whatever comes out of the oven of the primaries will be sure to resemble the Democrats loaf for that election; tasteless, ill-formed, and most of all, half-baked.
I admit, I was unsure that anything could top the Democrats in 2004. Howard Dean was my favourite; a former governor who came off as a slightly unhinged liberal cult leader, with an army of orange clad hippies, public health care warriors, and fired up students pushing his message all over the internet. Too combustible to really have a shoot, but would have been the golden shower of election and debate quotes for the entire race. You had 'did I mention I'm a General' Clark, who's main policy point was that he was a retired general. You had 'Ken Doll' Edwards, who once you crack the silicone shell, learned wasn't missing his genitals like his Barbie counterpart. And you had John Kerry, a man who once fell asleep during one of his own speeches.
Democrats, predictably, chose the most boring option, who proceeded to bungle the election against a highly vulnerable sitting President.
And now, in 2011, the GOP faces a similar situation. Obama, still mired in a desperate economy (with no end in sight thanks to a particular lack of spine amoungst Democrats who have happily swallowed the poison pill of austerity) and vulnerable from a dispirited base could be toppled by the right GOP candidate. Fortunately for him, the right candidates have chosen not to run, and instead the GOP has reached deep into their bag of mixed nuts to toss up an array of glassy eyed, over-caffinated kooks, conspiracy freaks, and adherents to the various dark undercurrents of the party. It's almost like every little subsection that lies on the GOP tent was told to let their freak flag fly, and the ideological hoedown showdown in ethnically homogenous Iowa is about to begin,
The best part, is like the Democrats in 2004, is that in their attacks on each other, they reveal just how deep their own crazy runs. Rick Perry, warrior of shrinking the parts of the government he can't quite remember.
"I will tell you: It’s three agencies of government, when I get there, that are gone: Commerce, Education and the ... what’s the third one there? Let’s see. ... OK. So Commerce, Education and the ... The third agency of government I would — I would do away with the Education, the ... Commerce and — let’s see — I can’t. The third one, I can’t. Sorry. Oops."
I admit, I'm a little sad that Cain is no longer in the field. His 9-9-9 plan was so half baked that I thought it was from an Onion article at first. Romney, the man who never met a political position he couldn't re-align his principles to champion, has been quietly in the overall lead being the Kerry vote - boring, dull, believed to be possibly electable despite the fact that the GOP is about as enthused about him as they are a colonoscopy. Santorum's been ratcheting up his rhetoric, high on the support of his Christian theocracy, by declaring that Obama is an enemy of the US and has no other goal beyond destroying it from within. I've forgotten more about Michelle Bachmann than Michelle Bachmann knows about Michelle Bachmann.
And then there's my favourite: Ron Paul. Ancient and crazy, with the fires of civilization blazing in his mad eyes. The thing about him, which has voters all aquiver, is that he believes. Oh yes, children, he believes. And he doesn't give a damn what voters think or that he should court them. Disown the white-supremacist militia segment of his supporters? Not happening. Walk into a devout, social conservative crowd and say that religion has no place in government and there should be a level of drug legalization. He'll do it. The problem is that people are mistaking conviction for viability.
As has been shown through-out history, libertarianism only really works when you have a large, established community structure in place so you can rail against it. His great dreams of the unfettered American past of liberty and a non-regulated life of freedom only existed because of the support of highly organized, regulated and government maintained markets and trade routes between the nascent colonies and Europe. Much like every 'back to nature' fanatic demands respect because they survived a whole weekend out in the wilds of a national park with only a fully stocked backpack full of food, commercially produced survival equipment and all organic hemp woven clothes from South American with a carbon footprint like a yeti on them, Paul assures America that cuts, cuts, cuts will solve the crisis, and the unfettered market will rise like a phoenix from the ashes and the rights of a shared, free marketplace will be respected by all.
Until China buys California and turns it into an indentured work camp three years in.
But for now, it's all the realm of the possible. Like in 2004, the allure of a JFK-like coif back in the White House, or a mad governor Yee-Hawwing his way to the State of the Union, the great bread dough of GOP crazy is rising in the pan, and whatever comes out of the oven of the primaries will be sure to resemble the Democrats loaf for that election; tasteless, ill-formed, and most of all, half-baked.