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Bruised Thinkmeat Internet
Aug. 10th, 2005 02:55 pmPeople send me weird shit all the time. From one of my more brain damaged friends, I got an e-mail with a screen shot of some bint who is soliciting the internet for a year's salary so she can finish her fanfiction opus. All you have to do is contribute the cost of a hardcover, and you get a shiny dedication in her yet unfinished work of brilliance. All I have to say is: Why didn't I think of that?
A MODEST PROPOSAL
So, here's the deal. I'm a professional commercial writer who simply doesn't have time to balance out my life to include posting to livejournal. Not that livejournal being a hobby or anything should factor in on this. Let's be honest here folks, there are only so many hours in the day. Seeing that I have student loans, apartment rent, window tax, all manner of internet porn accounts and am saving up for a foreign child bride in the near future, it's just impossible for me or anyone to really keep up with posting regularly on my journal.
Now, I know that the people reading this are so desperately fond of this journal that this news will likely spark off mass suicides and a schism in the Catholic church. We don't want that. So, good pixilated people of the internet, I have a modest proposal for you all, to avert the greatest shock since Hawkeye came back from the dead and Tom Delay was found to be a corrupt assboil.
All that I'm asking for is a one year's pay to subsidize my regular posting to livejournal, and by proxy, all the other hobbies that make me so much more interesting than the rest of your life that you'll send me money to do it. If you can all come together to dump unearned money in my account, I will have the time to actually finish off all of those posts I started at 3am after stumbling home from the bar. Yes, I will in fact go to the bar every single night and post to my livejournal about my experiences, thoughts, and how that dirty bitchwhore is going to get what's coming to her because she didn't return my phonecalls and I want to ugly her up so she'll never have another guy like me and the love we have and why doesn't she understand oh god, I love her, I didn't mean it, call me please bitch!
That's not all! Not only will I make a regular alcoholic post about sex, my life, the slow destruction of my liver and deep drunken philosophy, but I will do so without a day off. That's right! Christmas, Easter, Passover or Kwanzaa, I will make sure to get shitfaced 365 days a year to provide you with the best entertainment for your money. Remember favourites like 'I got drunk and threw up in the Christmas turkey' and 'I don't care if it is his ninth birthday, I'm going to the strip bar, mom!'.
Now, careful calculations put our totals at a paltry $250,000CDN goal for all of this material. I've broken it down by expense:
Rent: $8,000
Internet: $720
Phone: $800
Not including 976 numbers and charges
Food: $8,638.72
Includes a diet solely from the grease, salt and entirely artificial food groups.
Entertainment: $91,750.00
Some of those girls need to be put through college.
Pornography: $27,500
Must of that will have to come from free sights, since I don't want to seem like I'm being greedy. Unfortunately, most of the really good goat/grandmother pics aren't free.
Alcohol: $112591.28
Following the lead of US President George W Bush, I have three levels of donors listed. Once you reach each level, I will personally misspell your name and likely leak your sensitive personal financial information on to the internet as a way of saying thanks:
LURKER: $1-$100
It's obvious that you are an enemy to literature, free thought, creative expression, my own happiness, truth and little puppies. Why don't you stop being so goddamn selfish, dip into the college fund, and pony up a real donation? People who donate in this amount will receive nothing but shame and humiliation. After I download the donations.
FRIEND: $101-$1000
Alright, fine. I'm not an unreasonable man and the fact that you want to eat this month makes sense. I suppose. But in the light of your shitty donation, I also expect hot amateur sex photos to put up on my paysite and top up your miserly donation that way. Preferably something with a pony and a midget.
SUPER WORTHWHILE HUMAN BEING: $1001-$10,000
Now we're talking. Not only do you deserve to continue to share atmosphere with me, but you are an example to those other mongrels who keep blubbering on about their rent and food for their children when they shell out their meager donations. You will receive an official notification that you are officially part of the S.Crew level of donors. That's right, you can get S.Crewed today by donating to me!
For a tax rebatable donation, Canadian natives are issued a separate form under our Super Human Aboriginal Friend Types section, so their special status is preserved. Pull out that credit card and let me SHAFT you and all our other native brothers and sisters today!
Once we hit our goal, I will immediately resign from my position by submitting my resume to my boss and taking a dump on his desk. I will then upgrade my entire computer suite to offer you the following bits of my genius in return for your donations and a small ongoing fee charged directly to your credit card.
Can't wait to donate? You damn well better feel that way, prick! You can either use Paypal or your credit card to send me money, or better yet, why don't you mail your card and financial statements to me at dexf@sympatico.ca. Please contact me for details on laundering drug money and paying in large stacks of used small bills before mailing.
So please, link the banner below! Tell all your friends about this new important cause!
Donate today. You know it's the right thing to do.
Disclaimer: No Irish babies were eaten in the making of this post.
A MODEST PROPOSAL
So, here's the deal. I'm a professional commercial writer who simply doesn't have time to balance out my life to include posting to livejournal. Not that livejournal being a hobby or anything should factor in on this. Let's be honest here folks, there are only so many hours in the day. Seeing that I have student loans, apartment rent, window tax, all manner of internet porn accounts and am saving up for a foreign child bride in the near future, it's just impossible for me or anyone to really keep up with posting regularly on my journal.
Now, I know that the people reading this are so desperately fond of this journal that this news will likely spark off mass suicides and a schism in the Catholic church. We don't want that. So, good pixilated people of the internet, I have a modest proposal for you all, to avert the greatest shock since Hawkeye came back from the dead and Tom Delay was found to be a corrupt assboil.
All that I'm asking for is a one year's pay to subsidize my regular posting to livejournal, and by proxy, all the other hobbies that make me so much more interesting than the rest of your life that you'll send me money to do it. If you can all come together to dump unearned money in my account, I will have the time to actually finish off all of those posts I started at 3am after stumbling home from the bar. Yes, I will in fact go to the bar every single night and post to my livejournal about my experiences, thoughts, and how that dirty bitchwhore is going to get what's coming to her because she didn't return my phonecalls and I want to ugly her up so she'll never have another guy like me and the love we have and why doesn't she understand oh god, I love her, I didn't mean it, call me please bitch!
That's not all! Not only will I make a regular alcoholic post about sex, my life, the slow destruction of my liver and deep drunken philosophy, but I will do so without a day off. That's right! Christmas, Easter, Passover or Kwanzaa, I will make sure to get shitfaced 365 days a year to provide you with the best entertainment for your money. Remember favourites like 'I got drunk and threw up in the Christmas turkey' and 'I don't care if it is his ninth birthday, I'm going to the strip bar, mom!'.
Now, careful calculations put our totals at a paltry $250,000CDN goal for all of this material. I've broken it down by expense:
Rent: $8,000
Internet: $720
Phone: $800
Not including 976 numbers and charges
Food: $8,638.72
Includes a diet solely from the grease, salt and entirely artificial food groups.
Entertainment: $91,750.00
Some of those girls need to be put through college.
Pornography: $27,500
Must of that will have to come from free sights, since I don't want to seem like I'm being greedy. Unfortunately, most of the really good goat/grandmother pics aren't free.
Alcohol: $112591.28
Following the lead of US President George W Bush, I have three levels of donors listed. Once you reach each level, I will personally misspell your name and likely leak your sensitive personal financial information on to the internet as a way of saying thanks:
LURKER: $1-$100
It's obvious that you are an enemy to literature, free thought, creative expression, my own happiness, truth and little puppies. Why don't you stop being so goddamn selfish, dip into the college fund, and pony up a real donation? People who donate in this amount will receive nothing but shame and humiliation. After I download the donations.
FRIEND: $101-$1000
Alright, fine. I'm not an unreasonable man and the fact that you want to eat this month makes sense. I suppose. But in the light of your shitty donation, I also expect hot amateur sex photos to put up on my paysite and top up your miserly donation that way. Preferably something with a pony and a midget.
SUPER WORTHWHILE HUMAN BEING: $1001-$10,000
Now we're talking. Not only do you deserve to continue to share atmosphere with me, but you are an example to those other mongrels who keep blubbering on about their rent and food for their children when they shell out their meager donations. You will receive an official notification that you are officially part of the S.Crew level of donors. That's right, you can get S.Crewed today by donating to me!
For a tax rebatable donation, Canadian natives are issued a separate form under our Super Human Aboriginal Friend Types section, so their special status is preserved. Pull out that credit card and let me SHAFT you and all our other native brothers and sisters today!
Once we hit our goal, I will immediately resign from my position by submitting my resume to my boss and taking a dump on his desk. I will then upgrade my entire computer suite to offer you the following bits of my genius in return for your donations and a small ongoing fee charged directly to your credit card.
- The Drunken Spewings: All drunk talk about the world and my wisdom as part of it. Topics will include that hot girl who lives upstairs, how much I had to drink before I puked down the bar stairs, what happens when you drink too much to remember what the washroom looks like, and getting gang stomped by ethnic teenagers late at night
- 3pm Porn Break!: Exclusive links to what I'm looking at while touching myself only an hour after getting out of bed. Also features our Amateur Spotlight, where I'll feature naughty photos sent to me by you. And touch myself
- Links to people you've never heard of and don't care about!
- The X-Box Cam!: Watch me play endless hours of video games on your money. Gold level members also get to listen to me shout racially offensive epitaphs at the CGI characters that are my opponents over the Bastard Mic
- Boxer Bingo!: Your chance to win a real pair of my boxers to sniff. Get your card and match up the day with the colour and the duration of time between washing to win!
- Cooking With Dex!: Exciting urban cuisine from all over the fast food world. Learn my famous 'Ordered For Delivery Chicken' recipe, ready in 40 mins or it's free!
Can't wait to donate? You damn well better feel that way, prick! You can either use Paypal or your credit card to send me money, or better yet, why don't you mail your card and financial statements to me at dexf@sympatico.ca. Please contact me for details on laundering drug money and paying in large stacks of used small bills before mailing.
So please, link the banner below! Tell all your friends about this new important cause!
Donate today. You know it's the right thing to do.
Disclaimer: No Irish babies were eaten in the making of this post.
