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The 2004 Commandments
Dec. 26th, 2003 02:33 amShut up.
I let you all go for too long, and look at the results. Well, after six months on that mountain with a powerbook held over my head, I have returned with the rules for this fanfiction crap. You, get the hell away from the golden cow and pay attention. These are the rules. Violate them and God will violate you. Likely with something barbed. And we’re all going to kick the shit out of you when he’s done.
1. Thou shalt not write like crap. That means, for the slack-jawed drooling hobbit diddlers and Rogue fuckers in the back row, you will use a spell checker. You will use a beta reader. You will not be judged if you cannot spell, use proper grammar or punctuation in your day to day life. However, if you apply the same inadequacies to your on-line writing, you will be reamed bloody
and deserve the pain from every bloody gobbet of flesh torn from your lazy carcass.
2. Thou shalt not write the same story twenty times in a row. I don’t care if you switch fandoms more often than you switch underwear (Unless, of course, you’re sitting next to me in the
subway.) If in a candlelit mansion during a power outage, Harry fucks Ron, Rogue nails Pyro, Cyclops does Phoenix, Willow lays Buffy, Mal screws Jayne, Angel bangs Spike, Conner rims
Duncan, Merry does Pippin, Legolas does an Ent, Ethan reams Brian, and Celes blows Cyan, you are in violation of this commandment, and something especially nasty, likely involving your colon,
will happen to you. Rewriting the same story over and over is not only monotonous, lazy, irritating and dull, but it probably wasn’t any good to begin with.
3. Thou shalt use plot, unless thou are specifically writing an atmospheric piece, a character study, or throw-away porn. If you are specifically writing any of the above, you will follow the proper construction of those pieces. You will not jettison plot simply because you are too eager to get to whatever you’ve mislabeled as the heart of your story. Plots shall be, if not original, at least properly constructed and executed without shoehorning characters and cliches into an unreadable mess. Subplots are not optional.
4. Thou shalt not act and react to the various canon creators and personalities like a weird lisping dickhead. We are a marginalised group of people semi-obsessively pursuing an illegal hobby. We
are held far enough in contempt not to need you spitting all over Rowling telling her that Snape and Draco are obviously true soul mates. Please don’t show up on the set of Angel mentioning
people are writing about David and James getting up each other as actors and not as characters. If you feel the need to slander or vent death threats about a creator or actor because they ‘obviously
don’t understand X element of fandom’, please get your whole head in front of the shotgun and take one for the team.
5. Slash. You’re the mainstream now. It’s not subversive. Please, if thine yen is to write about men being up each other, at least work it into some kind of actual story. Despite the vast amounts
of porn in existence, inserting Tab A into Slot B does get boring without some kind of storyline. Also, if you are writing male and female gay relationships or about gay culture, do a little
homework. Because right now, most of the ones you write are not. You’ve transgendered. Badly. Gay men would beat up the men you write for their lunch money.
6. Thou shalt not be a raving whackjob on-line. If you wouldn’t say it to a relative at a family dinner, you probably shouldn’t post it. If you do say such raving things to your relatives at a
family dinner, thou shalt grow up. By the way, you are not anonymous, no one thinks you are cool, and threats of violence only prove you have a small dick or you got your ideas about what
being tough is from rap videos of the mid-80s. We also don’t believe about your impossible gorgeous nympho significant other who you are going to see after you’re done ‘laughing at all the
losers who can’t take a joke’. None of us believe you have a lawyer. Turn off your monitor, and ask yourself what face appears in the rectangle. Cry if you must.
7. Thou shalt learn when to shut the fuck up. No one cares, no one is impressed, and CAPS makes you seem even more stupid. Walk away from the computer. Go see a movie that has less than three fully CGI characters. Have a sandwich on wholewheat bread. Read the newspaper. Take a nice hot bath. If you are still pissed off after that, you are only then allowed to post an angry response.
8. Thou shalt experiment. No, none of us care that it’s just for fun. Use your imagination. Try a different group, dynamic, genre, idea, style, theme, or concept. Do not be afraid to screw it up.
Enjoy the process and the learning. Do not avoid something simply because it’s not what you have preconceived in your mind as a ‘bad’ thing. Try it before you condemn it. If you're not interested enough to look at something, don't make opinions about it. Encourage others to do the same. Stagnation is for dead-ends and Harlequin novelists.
9. Thou shalt not expect a single damn thing from anyone else in any fandom. No one owes you a thing. No one cares about being fair. No one has any rights or deserves any help. You define your
own relationships on-line, and if you aren’t happy, it is your fault. End of story. Any bitching about lack of interest in a genre, a pairing, fandom, award or archive is solely self-deluding
masturbation on the part of the ‘bitcher’ and reveals their own deep lack of ability to convey their own interests to others. Suck it up and deal with it.
10. Thou shalt have a real life outside of whatever fandoms thou art involved in. This includes metafandoms that seem to exist for the sole purpose of extra-strength delusion of not being an
obsessive twit. Enjoy the friends, express your ideas, stretch your talents, indulge your fantasies, meet a community and feel free to put in as much work as makes your happy. But remember, at
the end of the day, it’s only a book, a movie, a comic, a cartoon, a pop band or a television show. The more you have outside of it, the more you bring back into it.
Oh, and Merry Christmas.
I let you all go for too long, and look at the results. Well, after six months on that mountain with a powerbook held over my head, I have returned with the rules for this fanfiction crap. You, get the hell away from the golden cow and pay attention. These are the rules. Violate them and God will violate you. Likely with something barbed. And we’re all going to kick the shit out of you when he’s done.
1. Thou shalt not write like crap. That means, for the slack-jawed drooling hobbit diddlers and Rogue fuckers in the back row, you will use a spell checker. You will use a beta reader. You will not be judged if you cannot spell, use proper grammar or punctuation in your day to day life. However, if you apply the same inadequacies to your on-line writing, you will be reamed bloody
and deserve the pain from every bloody gobbet of flesh torn from your lazy carcass.
2. Thou shalt not write the same story twenty times in a row. I don’t care if you switch fandoms more often than you switch underwear (Unless, of course, you’re sitting next to me in the
subway.) If in a candlelit mansion during a power outage, Harry fucks Ron, Rogue nails Pyro, Cyclops does Phoenix, Willow lays Buffy, Mal screws Jayne, Angel bangs Spike, Conner rims
Duncan, Merry does Pippin, Legolas does an Ent, Ethan reams Brian, and Celes blows Cyan, you are in violation of this commandment, and something especially nasty, likely involving your colon,
will happen to you. Rewriting the same story over and over is not only monotonous, lazy, irritating and dull, but it probably wasn’t any good to begin with.
3. Thou shalt use plot, unless thou are specifically writing an atmospheric piece, a character study, or throw-away porn. If you are specifically writing any of the above, you will follow the proper construction of those pieces. You will not jettison plot simply because you are too eager to get to whatever you’ve mislabeled as the heart of your story. Plots shall be, if not original, at least properly constructed and executed without shoehorning characters and cliches into an unreadable mess. Subplots are not optional.
4. Thou shalt not act and react to the various canon creators and personalities like a weird lisping dickhead. We are a marginalised group of people semi-obsessively pursuing an illegal hobby. We
are held far enough in contempt not to need you spitting all over Rowling telling her that Snape and Draco are obviously true soul mates. Please don’t show up on the set of Angel mentioning
people are writing about David and James getting up each other as actors and not as characters. If you feel the need to slander or vent death threats about a creator or actor because they ‘obviously
don’t understand X element of fandom’, please get your whole head in front of the shotgun and take one for the team.
5. Slash. You’re the mainstream now. It’s not subversive. Please, if thine yen is to write about men being up each other, at least work it into some kind of actual story. Despite the vast amounts
of porn in existence, inserting Tab A into Slot B does get boring without some kind of storyline. Also, if you are writing male and female gay relationships or about gay culture, do a little
homework. Because right now, most of the ones you write are not. You’ve transgendered. Badly. Gay men would beat up the men you write for their lunch money.
6. Thou shalt not be a raving whackjob on-line. If you wouldn’t say it to a relative at a family dinner, you probably shouldn’t post it. If you do say such raving things to your relatives at a
family dinner, thou shalt grow up. By the way, you are not anonymous, no one thinks you are cool, and threats of violence only prove you have a small dick or you got your ideas about what
being tough is from rap videos of the mid-80s. We also don’t believe about your impossible gorgeous nympho significant other who you are going to see after you’re done ‘laughing at all the
losers who can’t take a joke’. None of us believe you have a lawyer. Turn off your monitor, and ask yourself what face appears in the rectangle. Cry if you must.
7. Thou shalt learn when to shut the fuck up. No one cares, no one is impressed, and CAPS makes you seem even more stupid. Walk away from the computer. Go see a movie that has less than three fully CGI characters. Have a sandwich on wholewheat bread. Read the newspaper. Take a nice hot bath. If you are still pissed off after that, you are only then allowed to post an angry response.
8. Thou shalt experiment. No, none of us care that it’s just for fun. Use your imagination. Try a different group, dynamic, genre, idea, style, theme, or concept. Do not be afraid to screw it up.
Enjoy the process and the learning. Do not avoid something simply because it’s not what you have preconceived in your mind as a ‘bad’ thing. Try it before you condemn it. If you're not interested enough to look at something, don't make opinions about it. Encourage others to do the same. Stagnation is for dead-ends and Harlequin novelists.
9. Thou shalt not expect a single damn thing from anyone else in any fandom. No one owes you a thing. No one cares about being fair. No one has any rights or deserves any help. You define your
own relationships on-line, and if you aren’t happy, it is your fault. End of story. Any bitching about lack of interest in a genre, a pairing, fandom, award or archive is solely self-deluding
masturbation on the part of the ‘bitcher’ and reveals their own deep lack of ability to convey their own interests to others. Suck it up and deal with it.
10. Thou shalt have a real life outside of whatever fandoms thou art involved in. This includes metafandoms that seem to exist for the sole purpose of extra-strength delusion of not being an
obsessive twit. Enjoy the friends, express your ideas, stretch your talents, indulge your fantasies, meet a community and feel free to put in as much work as makes your happy. But remember, at
the end of the day, it’s only a book, a movie, a comic, a cartoon, a pop band or a television show. The more you have outside of it, the more you bring back into it.
Oh, and Merry Christmas.
