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Top Ten Lessons...
Nov. 14th, 2003 02:35 pm...That Fandom Has Taught Me
I do not speak of fanfiction, just fandom; that nebulous collection of overcapitalized LJ posts, searing flame wars over the true love of fictional characters, and of course, who would really be up who.
1. It is impossible for two males under the age of 30 or over the age of 65 to be friends. They are always secretly in love. Always. If they are not in love, it's just raw sexual tension because they desperately want to nail each other. Even if they have wives, girlfriends, women's sports teams; they are 'really' gay. Always. Over the age of 65, it's more love than sex, but the same principle applies. The only straight men in existance are 30+ parental figures who secretly want to sleep with their female teenaged charges, or they are evil in an irredeemable way. If they are redeemable, they too must be gay. Secretly.
2. The Jedi Master/Padawan relationship will always end in sex between the Master and student. This proves that Jedis tend to vaciliate between dominant and submissive philosophies all their lives, going from both the light or dark to the hard or lubed. It also proves that Dooku and Palpatine have very strange sexual tastes. The same principle applies to schools of magic, but in that case, will involve male pregnancy as well.
3. There is no combination of characters or personalities in any fandom that is not at least one person's OMG! TRU3 LUV!!!!
4. There is no element of a fandom, no matter how trival or insignificant, that cannot be turned into a blistering war between legions of fans. All said wars will be handled with the same seriousness as a geopolitical debate, and differing viewpoints will be taken as personal attacks, arrestation of one's lack of social skills, talent, and intelligence, and most importantly, no matter how long and passionately debated a topic is, one side will always end by claiming that 'it's just a hobby, and you should all get a life!'
5. The penalties for plagerism are applied directly inverse to the popularity of the accused party.
6. Hobbits are always gay. Their entire society propogates solely by fission. They eat until they become immensely fat, and then split into two protagonists. Or Sam and Frodo. Elvan sociaty suffers many of the same issues. In fact, most of Middle Earth has been populated by humans will a taste for pointy ears. Major groups of fans will die on the ramparts to insist this.
7. There is no atrocity so great that a villan cannot be excused for, and more importantly, have a major character love them despite in the eyes of the fans. Except for Picard's kid from Nemesis. Just because there is no rehabilitation from stupidity.
8. Any child of a major character, canon or otherwise, will always display all of the admirable traits of their parents and none of the flaws. Any child of a major character will also be named in such a manner that is completely against the established tastes of the character. They will be defended with the tenecity and emotion of a flesh and blood child, even to the grim electronic death.
9. Fan communities will always pander to the lowest common denominators of taste and civility, and will be terribly apologetic for not being able to empower the rude, the hysteric and the insane more. Elitism is considered a slightly less heinous crime than the raping and killing of four year olds, but just barely.
10. Icons are worth killing to protect.
I do not speak of fanfiction, just fandom; that nebulous collection of overcapitalized LJ posts, searing flame wars over the true love of fictional characters, and of course, who would really be up who.
1. It is impossible for two males under the age of 30 or over the age of 65 to be friends. They are always secretly in love. Always. If they are not in love, it's just raw sexual tension because they desperately want to nail each other. Even if they have wives, girlfriends, women's sports teams; they are 'really' gay. Always. Over the age of 65, it's more love than sex, but the same principle applies. The only straight men in existance are 30+ parental figures who secretly want to sleep with their female teenaged charges, or they are evil in an irredeemable way. If they are redeemable, they too must be gay. Secretly.
2. The Jedi Master/Padawan relationship will always end in sex between the Master and student. This proves that Jedis tend to vaciliate between dominant and submissive philosophies all their lives, going from both the light or dark to the hard or lubed. It also proves that Dooku and Palpatine have very strange sexual tastes. The same principle applies to schools of magic, but in that case, will involve male pregnancy as well.
3. There is no combination of characters or personalities in any fandom that is not at least one person's OMG! TRU3 LUV!!!!
4. There is no element of a fandom, no matter how trival or insignificant, that cannot be turned into a blistering war between legions of fans. All said wars will be handled with the same seriousness as a geopolitical debate, and differing viewpoints will be taken as personal attacks, arrestation of one's lack of social skills, talent, and intelligence, and most importantly, no matter how long and passionately debated a topic is, one side will always end by claiming that 'it's just a hobby, and you should all get a life!'
5. The penalties for plagerism are applied directly inverse to the popularity of the accused party.
6. Hobbits are always gay. Their entire society propogates solely by fission. They eat until they become immensely fat, and then split into two protagonists. Or Sam and Frodo. Elvan sociaty suffers many of the same issues. In fact, most of Middle Earth has been populated by humans will a taste for pointy ears. Major groups of fans will die on the ramparts to insist this.
7. There is no atrocity so great that a villan cannot be excused for, and more importantly, have a major character love them despite in the eyes of the fans. Except for Picard's kid from Nemesis. Just because there is no rehabilitation from stupidity.
8. Any child of a major character, canon or otherwise, will always display all of the admirable traits of their parents and none of the flaws. Any child of a major character will also be named in such a manner that is completely against the established tastes of the character. They will be defended with the tenecity and emotion of a flesh and blood child, even to the grim electronic death.
9. Fan communities will always pander to the lowest common denominators of taste and civility, and will be terribly apologetic for not being able to empower the rude, the hysteric and the insane more. Elitism is considered a slightly less heinous crime than the raping and killing of four year olds, but just barely.
10. Icons are worth killing to protect.
